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How to Become a Zombie in 10 Easy Steps
You don’t need to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead or go to your favorite amusement park to see zombies. All you really have to do is take a walk down any big city street. You will see hundreds, perhaps even thousands of zombies walking around. The only difference between the zombies you see on television and the zombies on the street is that the zombies on TV eat human flesh.
Zombies seem to be a thing of great interest lately. Kids dress like them at Halloween, and it seems as if everyone wants to know how to be an extra on that popular television show. Are you interested in becoming one of the walking dead? Want to know how to be like those you see on the streets?
Keep reading; becoming a zombie is much easier than you think! We have 10 easy steps towards becoming the zombie the government would like you to be.
1. Drink Fluoridated Water
Chances are excellent that your city water is filled with a neurotoxin called fluoride. This chemical has been linked to heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, and lower IQ scores. Is it any wonder that you see people walking around in a daze? Too many people believe that fluoride is good for them. If you want to start your trip to zombie land, this is a good place to begin.
2. Eat Plenty of Junk Food
You’ve seen them: people walking around with a super-sized bag of chips or cookies in their hands, endlessly stuffing them into their mouths. They always have this sort of stupefied look on their faces, don’t they? Junk food has been linked to numerous chronic diseases, including Crohn’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, and many more. Junk foods are filled with additives designed to make you fat, happy, and addicted. If you want to continue down the path to zombie-hood, start stuffing your face with that mega package of chocolate flavored cereal right now.
Television in and of itself isn’t “bad.” The problem is that people watch entirely too much “junk” television. This influences your view of the world, making you believe whatever the producers want you to think is true. It takes away from important relationships, causes you to spend money on things you don’t need, and robs you of valuable mental energy. It has also been shown to drastically shorten your life. Of course, zombies don’t give a crap about any of those things, which is why you can find zombies in just about any public place, sticking junk foods into their mouths as they watch endless hours of television.
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4. Filling Your Life with Stuff
Seriously, think about it: do you really need half of the stuff you have right now? Is it necessary to have a blender, food processor, juicer, mixer, smoothie maker, and a special blender just to make margaritas? When we watch too much television or listen to too many commercials, we start to believe that we really need all this stuff. Or that we need newer stuff. Or better quality stuff. We have so much stuff that we have to rent storage lockers for things that won’t fit in the house or garage. If you want to really be a zombie, keep collecting. You will be on that treadmill forever trying to get caught up with everyone else’s stuff.
5. Don’t Ask
Do you follow all the rules? Do you believe everything you read on Facebook? Everything you read on mainstream news sites? Do you believe everything that your doctor tells you? Zombies don’t ask questions, they mindlessly follow the herd.
6. Skip the Gym
Exercise has numerous benefits to both mind and body, but since zombies don’t care about any of those things, hey, time to cut off that gym membership! Don’t worry about getting fat, not being able to keep up with the living, or any of those things. If you want to live life like a zombie, exercise is not important. Only those interested in truly living should exercise regularly.
7. Stay Inside
OK, regardless of what you might see in the movies, zombies don’t like the sun. Of course they can go out, but they choose not to get all the benefits that the sun can give us. Who cares about the cancer-fighting benefits of vitamin D when there are so many different things to do indoors? Sit on the sofa with endless television reruns, Netflix, Internet surfing, and, of course, there is always Facebook to indulge in. Good zombies spend lots of time on Facebook.
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8. Forget Books
Zombies don’t need to read. Reading is a waste of time. Reading expands the mind, keeps you up to date with the latest technological advances, improves the vocabulary, and takes you places that your body might never be able to travel to. Zombies have no need of books, so don’t waste valuable time reading.
9. Love Those GMOs
Since zombies don’t care what they eat, feel free to eat plenty of GMO foods. There’s even a new GMO fish and pig that should be in supermarkets soon! What more could a zombie ask for but food that poisons the body?!
10. Chug Those Sodas
Let’s not forget a zombies favorite drink: high fructose corn syrup filled soda! You really cannot call yourself a zombie unless you chug plenty of sodas throughout the day. Of course, if you are a zombie concerned about your weight, you can always make the switch to soda filled with aspartame. Soda will put you on the fast track to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. Aspartame will only give you Alzheimer’s and cancer, but who cares? Not you, not if you truly want to become one of the walking dead.
However, if you aren’t interested in living life like a zombie, if you want to live, not spend time like the walking dead, avoid the above 10 steps. Eat wholesome foods, avoid soda, read books, get exercise, spend time in the sun, and ask questions.